Active Ignoring: A Transformative Parenting Strategy to Shape Your Child’s Behavior
Understand how you can use your attention as a tool to change your child’s behavior while helping you stay calm and in control of the situation. Active ignoring is a great tool for increasing desired behaviors and decreasing undesired behaviors.
What is Active Ignoring?
With parenting comes the challenge of managing our children’s behavior - be it tantrums, whining, or other attention-seeking actions. "Active ignoring" is a deliberate decision by parents not to respond to these unwanted behaviors with the goal of decreasing these unwanted behaviors over time.
Contrary to how it might sound, it isn't about ignoring your children, but rather using your attention very intentionally to influence behavior change. Instead, it's a method rooted in behavioral psychology that teaches parents to differentiate between behaviors that need intervention and those that are merely seeking attention.
Parents can reduce these attention-seeking behaviors by opting not to reward them with a reaction. In essence, active ignoring is about using parental attention as a tool to promote healthier interactions and behaviors in children.
Why Should I Use Active Ignoring?
Active ignoring is not a tactic to manipulate or control a child's behavior. Instead, it's a strategic response aimed at helping children comprehend the consequences of their actions. At its core, this method reinforces positive behavior and gently guides children away from undesired actions without using punitive measures. This distinction is crucial for two primary reasons:
Building Trust: The cornerstone of any parent-child relationship; while manipulation can erode trust, understanding and compassion strengthen it.
Promoting Autonomy: Active ignoring encourages children to reflect on their behavior and make better choices independently, fostering personal responsibility and growth.
Use active ignoring to replace these common responses:
Yelling or Scolding: This can lead to fear, resentment, and a breakdown in communication between parent and child. Children might become secretive, less likely to share their feelings or concerns, or could develop a negative self-image.
Physical Punishment: Research consistently shows it can harm a child's emotional well-being and their relationship with the parent. It also increases the risk of behavioral problems, mental health issues, and perpetuating a cycle of violence in adulthood.
Timeouts Without Context: If not explained properly, timeouts can leave children feeling isolated and unsure of what they did wrong. This can contribute to feelings of unworthiness or confusion about proper behavior.
Bribing or Over-rewarding: Children can become reliant on external rewards rather than understanding the inherent value of good behavior, leading to difficulty in developing self-discipline and intrinsic motivation.
How to Use Active Ignoring?
Recognize A Behavior Worthy of Ignoring
Before practicing active ignoring, it's important to recognize which behaviors are appropriate to ignore. Typically, these are minor, attention-seeking actions that aren’t dangerous, including:
Whining for a toy while shopping
Making silly noises during a quiet time
Temporarily refusing to do a non-critical task
Stay Calm and Composed
Reacting emotionally can inadvertently give the child the attention they're seeking. When you notice the behavior:
Keep your facial expression neutral
Avoid eye contact that could be interpreted as engaging with the behavior
Continue with what you were doing without reacting to the child
Consistency is Key
For active ignoring to be effective:
It must be consistent. If you respond to the behavior one day and ignore it the next, it can confuse the child and prolong the behavior.
Ensure other caregivers (like partners or grandparents) are on the same page about which behaviors to ignore.
Reinforce Positive Behavior
Once the undesired behavior stops:
Wait a few moments to make sure it’s not repeated.
Praise your child for their good behavior or redirect their attention to a positive activity
Know When to Intervene
Active ignoring doesn't mean neglecting your child’s needs. If the behavior escalates to a point where they or others could get hurt, it’s time to intervene. This could involve:
Calmly removing them from the situation.
Talking to them about the behavior once they've calmed down.
Reflect and Adjust
Remember to continuously assess and adjust your approach:
Consider what might be triggering the behavior. Is there an underlying need or emotion not being addressed?
Adjust your strategy if needed. If certain behaviors continue despite active ignoring, it might be time to try other strategies or seek guidance.
Active ignoring can be a highly effective tool in guiding children towards better behavior.
However, if a child's behavior escalates to aggression, self-harm, or shows signs of deeper emotional or psychological distress, it might indicate a more profound issue. In such cases, seeking professional help or counseling becomes imperative. Remember, while active ignoring can help with many challenges, there's no substitute for professional guidance when the situation demands.
