School Refusal: When Is It More Than Just a Bad Day?
Every kid has days when school is the last place they want to be. But is their aversion to school just a bad day or something more serious? Learn how to spot a case of school refusal and how to get your child back on track
Data from the Department of Education shows that one in six students miss 15 or more days of school and the average number of days of school that students miss in the US is 6.3 days per year. There are multiple reasons why children miss school days . Mental health challenges, is one of them.
What Is School Refusal?
School refusal, often termed school phobia or avoidance, isn't just about kids avoiding school for fun. It stems from a genuine, deep-seated dread of going to school. This isn't about "playing hooky" or wanting a day off; it's driven by real fears and distress.
Spotting the Signs:
Frequency: How often are they skipping school?
Distress: How anxious do they seem on school mornings?
Resistance: How hard do they push against going to school?
Impact: How's their behavior affecting the family?
More Than Missing School:
It's not just about absences. Constant tardiness or always feeling "sick" in the morning might also be signs.
Remember, school refusal isn't a formal diagnosis. Instead, it signals potential underlying problems or a negative school experience.
Why Does My Child Pretend To Be Sick Before School?
When your child constantly complains of feeling sick, stomach aches or headaches before school, it's not always about avoiding a math test or getting out of P.E. Instead, these complaints can signal deeper issues.
Common reasons they might "feel sick" or want to avoid going to school:
Bullying: If they're being teased or bullied, they might want to avoid school altogether.
Peer Issues: Problems with friends or feeling isolated can trigger stress symptoms.
School Pressure: Overwhelming academic demands might make them want a break.
Mental Health: Conditions like anxiety, depression, or OCD can manifest as physical symptoms.
Remember, they aren’t always faking. Stress or anxiety can cause real physical discomfort. Watch for patterns–if “sickness” frequently pops up around certain school events, there could be a specific trigger.
Is My Child Avoiding School Because of Bullying?
Bullying can be a silent tormentor, making many children dread the thought of school. If you suspect bullying might be the cause behind your child's reluctance, here are some warning signs to watch for:
Unexplained injuries like bruises or scratches.
Missing or damaged possessions such as clothes, toys, or gadgets.
Frequent complaints of headaches or stomach problems, especially on school mornings.
Trouble sleeping, nightmares, or resisting bedtime.
Declining academic performance or diligence in completing homework.
Avoiding friends or reduced interest in social events and group activities.
Disturbing behaviors like self-harm or notable mood swings.
How Do I Ask My Child About Not Wanting To Go To School?
Use Active Listening
Active listening is more than just hearing your child; it's about understanding and responding to them. This approach helps make your child feel valued and supported, and they're more likely to open up, allowing you to identify the root of their concerns.
Avoid: Jumping into serious conversations right after school or during stressful times. Instead, wait for relaxed moments, such as weekends. Avoid comments like "It can't be that bad" or "Everyone goes through this." These can inadvertently minimize their feelings, making them less likely to share.
Instead, try: "Tell me more about how you feel." or "I'm here to listen, not judge." or "Help me understand what's making you feel this way."
Ask Open-Ended Questions
Sometimes children have trouble understanding their own emotions. Insightful, open-ended questions foster a deeper conversation, enabling children to introspect and express their concerns more clearly.
Avoid: Questions that seem dismissive, like "You have friends, right?" or "You're good at your subjects. Why the fuss?” These questions can make them feel misunderstood or belittled.
Instead, try: “What do you enjoy the most about school?” or "What's the hardest part of your day?" or "How do you feel when you think about school?"
How Can I Help My Child Go Back to School Without Fear?
Overcoming school-related fears requires patience, understanding, and strategic actions. Here are some tips for getting kids back on track:
Build Their Confidence: Celebrate small victories, from completing assignments to positive social interactions. Every encouragement can elevate their self-worth.
Create a Routine: Start a daily routine that prioritizes consistent sleep, healthy meals,
homework hours, and time for relaxation to give your child stability and security.
Engage with the School: Work closely with teachers, counselors, and staff. They can offer insights into classroom interactions and help tailor a more supportive school environment for your child.
Gradual Reintroduction: Begin with shorter, low-stress school days or activities and gradually extend their school hours. This step-by-step approach can diminish anxiety over time.
Seek Professional Help: If you notice severe mood changes, avoidance of school for extended periods, or extreme reactions like panic attacks, it might be time to consult a professional. Explain to your child that their therapist is a trusted adult who will help them feel better at school.
